Tips for Significant Others
I stumbled upon this blog post about tips for the Significant Others (SO’s) of people with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Wow. These “tips” were so difficult for me to read. It almost triggered a full on panic attack just browsing this list:
http://servngu.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/tips-for-significant-others-of-multiples/
I know the person who wrote it meant to be helpful. But try to read it from the perspective of what it’d be like to be actually married to what’s being described. All the lying, mind games, confusion, sexual difficulties, cheating. Being the SO of someone with this disorder is enough to almost cause a similar disorder in the SO. It definitely caused the PTSD in my own life.
As difficult is it is for me — being the SO of someone with this diagnosis — imagine being the children of this sort of thing! I’m going to attend a seminar next month called “Childhood Lost” which is about helping churches be helpful to the children of parents with mental illness.
I definitely feel like my kids have lost much of their childhood to this horrible and confusing situation with their dad. They had to grow up so fast. They’ve dealt with issues that most adults have never even had to grapple with before.
Anyway, I hope you visited that link. I’m off to do some deep breathing and regain my calm and composure.
… just keep swimming, just keep swimming …
~Betty
Betty's Rambling Blog 
servngu said,
April 14, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Actually, Betty – I am the person who wrote the tips. It is unfortunate that the post was so upsetting for you. It was not meant to be. It was meant to arm significant others with information that my now ex did not have. Those tips are meant to help everyone concerned, including the children.
I am now divorced and am dating someone who also has DID. Once I realized that I indeed had the disorder and started identifying and communicating with my alters, I was able to get a really good handle on those things I mentioned in the blog post. It is all about cooperation within the system and lots and lots and lots of communication with the significant others AND the children to some degree. Everyone living with someone with this disorder needs to be on-board and armed with knowledge.
I do wish you and your family the absolute best.
~Serving You
servngu said,
April 15, 2009 at 12:11 am
1 more thing…. please have a look at this guidebook for SOs of DIDs. It might prove helpful to you as well.
http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm
Be Well, Betty.
~Serving You
jane said,
May 21, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Wow, just stumbled onto this blog, reading another blog…I am aware of the DID Christian blogs on it,
but I am not sure, I concur with all of the advice. I’m a tad hesitant, anyway,
maybe I can help, maybe not, but I’ll try.
I am female, and I do have a form, of DID, so does my brother. [abuse from my mother including sexual] I do not have alters as far as other personalities with names, I do however, have a dark side of my personality, that tends to come out, for years, I thought this was just my ‘sin’ nature,
it wasn’t until a few weeks ago though on a Christian board, that she really came out, and lashed out at God and at all the members [though, ironically, that part of me, sees things, that God uses too, and on that one, God in His Word, showed me, to stay away from debates on doctrine, even good ones]
but anyway, this was a breaking point for me because all this time, [and after years of being away from God, living in complete rebellion] I knew, something was not ‘right’, that it was, more than just that sinful nature.
I thought, maybe demons, but after casting out, constantly, and then Jesus showing me, some scriptures relating to that, knew that wasn’t it, so I kept seeking God, and He did show me,
for me, its a very Emo personality, that comes out, very dark, suicidal, withdrawing into myself…disconnected from everyone, including my children [this I learned is normal for women survivors of mother-daughter sex abuse], its actually a protective thing too, that boundaries, but it Can go to far to the other extreme,
anyway, this part of my personality, that is, really yes, a whole other me, comes out when threatened, or when being verbally abused especially, when certain triggers come up, triggers especially but most of all, when I am in pain, I suffer from permanent nerve damage, spine, the pain is torture, I can’t walk, etc., it comes and goes, it is chronic, depending on the weather, it can strike and when it does,
I plunge into this other. I am, however, aware of it now, more and more, it is also, during those periods, that I am the most angry at God, when I see God as misogynist, abusive, cruel, evil even…because maybe I see God like my mother? Maybe, maybe too, due to my own guilt-sin, etc.,
anyway,
God has been showing this all to me, showing me in His Word, in Prayer, and healing,
it has not been easy, I don’t have resources for help, money, etc., so He is all I can rely on, but He is enough,
the counselor is the Holy Spirit. I can say, prayer does work, even during those dark times, when I’ve just wanted to lay down and die, literally, and meaning that,
its those times too, that He has taught me, to give all that to Him, and I do want to share this,
it is not your responsibility to heal your husband NOR can you, even if you want too, it just doesn’t work that way…I know, I tried to get help in others,
you can’t. Because its so dark, those places, that only Jesus can deliver, even Jesus said, to the disciples,
“this kind only comes out with prayer and fasting”
I can say, more and more, when those times come, I can actually feel the pull, I know its demonic too, so I pray against it, you really Have to renew your mind with the Word of God, and for me, that means, putting that other part of myself, into obedience to Christ, again, for me its not like what I’ve read about alters, etc., its way different,
but similar in some ways, I do have a few times in my past that I don’t have total memory of, now whether they’ve been blocked out, or due to my age, or due to maybe that other part of myself, I do not know,
I’ve given them over to Jesus though, and I need to say, God showed me just yesterday, in Isaiah, ‘”do not look to the past, I am doing a new thing” , don’t have my Bible right here at the moment, but its right before God speaks about His servant, Jesus Christ, etc.
I’ve also, had to thank God for my life, something that well, for me left a deep hole, because that is how severe the depression and suicide has been for me, there was one time, I nearly died, because of my mother’ s abuse,
I often told God, He should have left me there…God broke through that too, even though I did not FEEL like thanking Him, especially that other part of me, I did,
and God said, keep doing it, there IS a reason for this, I do believe its part of being delivered from the bondage of the demonic oppression, because,
well, its like this, let me put it this way, God showed me, its like Israel, when He delivered them from Egypt, even though delivered, mentally and emotionally, they were still enslaved,
that is how it is with us, when dealing with DID and similar trauma, it works the same way, we have to like, be reprogrammed. It isn’t easy,
but I can assure you, yes, Jesus can do this, I am living proof.
I will pray for you and your husband, do not take on the false guilt, that happens when those with DID lash out,
and no, you do NOT have to tolerate the abuse, be it from him or the dark part of him or alters, set those boundaries, it Does help him, believe it or not,
it helped me, when other Christians, set them down for me. I got angry, sure,
but, you know, sometimes, that is what it takes, for all to be removed from one, to seek, to truly seek and be willing to be humble, to Jesus, so that He CAN help us and deliver us,
because now, I go straight to Him, rather than to others or lashing out to others….I say this, knowing I am still able to do the opposite,
but the thing is, I am aware of it now.
Hope maybe this helps, there is a lot more I could say, but some things, because of the scope of intimacy in them, I do not feel at liberty to say anything right now, but I will say,
boundaries, love him but love yourself too, believe God is able, do rebuke what you know is demonic influence, no amount of abuse in his life is an excuse for that abuse to be directed toward you or anyone else,
and pray for hedge of protection for yourself. Ask for wisdom, there ARE no formulas, ask for discernment,
and stay in the Word, pray the Word over him, over yourself, the Word of God, in itself, is the power of the Sword,
spiritual warfare. And yes, a lot of it, really is, spiritual warfare…but its also, your husband having to get to that place, to want to submit to Christ, to want to be healed, there can be many ‘deceiving’ spirits that like to hang on too, have to watch out for those.
Read the scripture about how when demons leave a person, the room swept clean, they come back and bring seven more worse than the first one….Jesus spoke of this, and then the one about prayer and fasting, and ask for His discernment,
praise music helps a lot too, but I can say, discipline, obedience, is just as important as is love and comfort, healing,
can’t have one work with out the other, so don’t enable him. And just know, God is able.
Peace,
Jane
Mara said,
June 10, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Thought I’d check in on you.
Guess you are kinda busy or distracted or both.
Hope all is well.
Be blessed.